"It was the strangest thing, when I first started realizing I was developing feelings, I felt really wrong about it. This was just words on a screen."
Commentary
"Do Online Relationship Work?"
After several years of addressing the Online Love experience and succeeding in a fulfilling relationship which resulted from that, I think it’s important to share this perspective:
Love On – Line is often unfairly maligned.
When the average person hears that two people have met via the Internet, there is usually some rolling of the eyes and perhaps, a private assessment that the people involved must be desperate or even a little "goofy" to engage in such a form of meeting other people.
I remember in the mid-80’s, reading that about 2/3 of couples meet in a work related situation. Think about that in the litigious environment that currently exists and how safe or accepted is that anymore? 40 years ago, it would be common for the cook to flirt with the waitress in hopes that he might swing a date.. today it is grounds for dismissal and sexual harassment suits..
The internet has only replaced the other alternatives of the 70's and 80's, like singles organizations or night clubs in that people have a viable opportunity to meet other people without having to spend hours primping and preparing for a meeting which is based primarily on chemical attraction...It's a sign of the times... it is self arranged blind dates rather than those that a century ago, were made by the professional matchmaker ...
On – line love is simply – another option. It still requires couples to meet and know each other as warm blooded individuals. But there is a lot to be said for the dynamics that go into developing and building a relationship in cyberspace. It requires an ability to communicate and express oneself. A good way to get to know someone before it accelerates to the next level of commitment….
It doesn't always work out. Skeptics who don’t realize that Lily and I met online, until after they have met us, will speculate that we are probably the exception and not the rule, but I don't think that our success as a couple has anything to do with the internet. The internet served as a place to meet and develop a dialogue between each other. Once we were interested and drawn in by what we were reading in Instant messages, chat and Emails, it was time to talk on the phone, exchange pictures and than meet... it was a process. What was unique about it was the distance between us and the desire to overcome that barrier.
I know several other successful couples, who living locally in Orlando, became part of a huge network of AOL friends varying in every demographic category you can think of. This group met online in a chat group on a daily basis and met off line at clubs and parties several times a week. It was safe, it was comfortable and it worked, and eventually those couples became marriages. I know countless others who dated for significant periods, made great friendships and a number who had bad experiences as well... but the sampling of success or failure could have been the same for people who met at church or at a social event or in a bar... The draw back is that it is easier to lie and deceive on the net than other forms of meeting and that is where most people are hurt and most of the "weird" stuff comes in, regarding use of the net.
So as many of you seek answers to your own questions about online relationships, consider this:
Internet relationships probably don't work, but meeting on the net is a viable way to build the foundation for something that can work, if all other circumstances are the same as the conventional methods. There is no substitute for face to face contact , communication and intimacy... and the net should never be a substitute for any of that. Perhaps a jumping off point for communicating.. (and many people find it easier to type their feelings than they do to talk them out, especially with the protection of a computer screen in front of them), but never allow it to become a substitute...
We are always happy to receive and answer mail. For individual feedback or perspective on your situation, don’t hesitate to Email Lily or Zopop and we’ll be happy to try and offer some ideas...